Memory Lane

Hello Reader,

There are some who know something is amiss in their relationship, but still don’t know they are with a narcissist. I spent years in this stagnate mode. You feel as if you are banging your head against a brick wall; it’s painful and you’re getting nowhere. You begin to ask yourself “what the hell is wrong with me?” You feel completely and utterly insane. You doubt every thought you have. You doubt every memory that is made. You dissect every single memory and word frame by frame trying to decide if you are correct.

If you find yourself replaying every memory, every conversation in your head trying to find where your sanity went or what you missed, then most likely you are with a narcissist and they are gaslighting you. If you try to explain what you know is happening to someone who has never been in your shoes, they will almost certainly think you are mad and have gone completely bonkers. Take a stroll down memory lane with me as I share memories and hope that it helps someone find their sanity again. I couldn’t begin to make this stuff up.

Allow me to give you a short introduction to who the narcissist met. I was a smart, independent, confident woman. I worked hard and picked up any task with ease. I worked my way up fast at my job and was very proud to have been young and able to excel so quickly. Through a friend I learned of job at a another company and decided to apply. I was told that this man didn’t hire people my age, I was to young for this type of position. That didn’t stop me. During the interview he asked why I applied because the job had an age requirement and he didn’t hire people my age. Everyone he hired were six plus years older than me, but he was curious about the woman too young to apply, so he decided to go through with the interview. Before you judge this man to harshly about not wanting to hire because of age, let me explain that I had to work alone and independently with large amounts of cash and see my boss once a month. I wouldn’t have wanted to hire anyone my age either. The interview was a success and his words to me were, “I’ve never hired anyone as young as you before, but you have impressed me and I’m willing to take a chance on you”.

Of his six business’s, I quickly became among the top three. He would have employee parties and tell his other employee’s, you can learn from this girl. His wife told me she was shocked when he hired someone my age. She also said he bragged on my work ability. I was young, financially secure, had a solid plan, working my way through life. I was stable, established, and smart in the business world, but I was young and so naive to the dangers in life. Little did I understand that I was prime supply for a narcissist, or how to recognize one. Just like Little Miss Muffet, I was sitting on my tuffet and a spider sat down beside me. He weaved his web quickly and I was caught up before I knew what was happening.

After the narcissist had me completely smitten, my life began it’s spiral. I stepped into a depressed, anxiety, PTSD, turbulent life . I felt dumb, worthless, and incompetent. I felt like I had only fooled myself into thinking I was smart. It crushed my spirit when the man who believed in me, and took a chance and hired a confident woman began to see the changes and question my involvement with this man. It eventually cost me my job and I could see the look of helplessness and disappointment in my boss’s eyes.

I spent years feeling insane, panicked even, thinking I was possibly getting Dementia or Alzheimer’s. I was terrified that I was truly loosing my mind at a young age. It really scared the hell out of me. My keys would be found in odd spots, dish towels showing up in the refrigerator or cabinets, my purse or shoes in odd spots, appliances not turned on or off, constantly being told “I never said that”, “you’re crazy”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, “that never happened”. The list goes on and on, but any Narcissist Survivor knows exactly what I am talking about.

I remember a time when we had a dryer that was only a year old. We’d spent the last year drying clothes and never had a problem with a load drying. He put a load of his work clothes in before retiring to bed and his words were, “make sure my clothes get dry, I have to wear them in the morning”. I thought nothing of it, and I paid no attention to the dryer. Luckily for me, I had to wash a load of my own clothes. I say luckily because if you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist, you know the pins and needles you walk on. The arguments you try to avoid because you know how bad it gets. Before going to bed, I open the dryer to take his clothes out, only to find that his clothes weren’t very dry at all. I thought it very odd, look at the setting and can see it was set on a setting that was not going to dry that load. I start the dryer with a sigh of relief that I had found the wet clothes before going to bed. I’ll just get up extra early in the morning and dry my clothes. Lying in bed I replay the nights events in my mind only to realize that this was a set up. He created a situation to have what he considered a valid reason to be mad at me and have an argument. I can’t call him out on it because it’s still an argument. Either way he created drama, chaos and an argument. I take option three and choose not to say anything. He put the dryer on a setting that he knew would not dry his clothes. That is why he told me to make sure they were dry. In the last year of having this new dryer, he had not said make sure clothes are dry, but he did this night.

To the unversed in narcissism I already look and sound crazy. There was nothing about that memory that gives validity to the fact that he did anything intentional or wrong. That could be an honest mistake. But that’s just it isn’t it? Narcissists know how to look innocent. They know how to make you look crazy. They know that you can’t prove anything about what your gut tells you. Does anything look or sound real if you can’t back it up with real evidence? If a woman had told me this story before I was with a narcissist, I would have thought oh, that poor man, she is bat shit crazy!

Had this particular event happened early on I would have never been the wiser to his actions. At this point, I had spent years in this crazy cycle. Too many times over the years I had encountered small events such as this one that made me feel crazy. There was a time when women were institutionalized for trying to explain these very scenarios to people. They were made to admit they didn’t happen or stay locked up in the looney bin.

I am thankful for a series of events that led me to find my sanity again. A series of events that opened my eyes and made me wise to what I was living with. I hope I can be instrumental in others finding their sanity after a narcissist.