A Friendly Reminder

    We've all been there before. You know that place where all hope seems to be gone and despair seems to be nuzzled comfortably in it's place. The place where fear resonates in your soul and stifles out any dreams. Yeah, you know the place. That's why you are still here dear reader. Like many before us, we keep each other company on the bench.      Today dear reader I want to remind you the way a friend reminded me, that I want you unstuck.That bench is someplace you no longer have to sit and occupy with these thoughts invading your space. 

      "I want you unstuck. You have such an amazing spirit and huge heart. You have so much life to live." Toxic relationships are not biblical. Till death do us part. Is that physical death or does that include "emotional separation/death"  "physical separation/death"??  When you cut off feelings and build walls to protect yourself from your SPOUSE-YOUR FOREVER PARTNER, to keep from getting hurt--something is wrong. The relationship is dying or dead. That love isn't the love that God intended us to share. Love is an action word. How "does" he love you?  Not "does" he love you. "Does" he can be answered with yes/no. With little room for explanation or justification. The question How "does" he love you, demands a honest reflection and pencil paper list. Love is an action word. Not a feeling. How do you love yourself? What are you doing for YOU?        "I think you are fabulous and I want you to be happy. You deserve it. I want you to find the strength and courage to break free. To live life without shackles around your ankles."

      Learning to love yourself and value yourself enough to leave. Not just for you For both of you. It's like addiction. You are enabling him as his behavior for staying without change. If you have made the issue well known, Given ample opportunity for communication and working towards a healthy relationship together and still see no real improvement in your journey to a better life together--then you owe it to you to walk away.       Love and life needs to feel good. Exciting. Comforting and comfortable. It should feel peaceful. Home should be the place that you escape from work and the world. Not the other way around. What are your semi adults learning about relationships?? Sacrifice and determination is one thing. Being a doormat is another!! 

      Staying put and toughing it out is the same as saying its ok and you aren't worth a change. How we value ourselves is the exact pattern our kids use to establish self worth.        You deserve amazing days. You deserve hard days that are made easier and manageable alongside a spouse that gives everything he has to make them better. You deserve to feel butterflies when he makes eye contact across the room, across the crowd, no matter how long you've been together.  You deserve breakfast in bed. You deserve someone that listens and supports your dreams. Encourages you to achieve them. You deserve steamy shower sex followed by worshiping side by side in church.  Your kids deserve the change to see that and break the cycle.       Rewarding bad behavior doesn't ever cause class change in that behavior. He is a grown man that needs to accept the cole hard facts of: 1)I'm a manipulative asshole. 2)My actions drive my family away. Not bring them closer. 3)My feelings belong to me and I control them. Others don't cause me to "feel" certain way. I choose to "feel" a certain way. 4) People don't do things "to" me. I do and say negative things and "others" choose to accept them or distance themselves from me. Cause and effect. 5) I've always been a narcissistic asshole and people are tired of giving me countless opportunity to change and make relationships healthier. Therefore they are making healthy changes for themselves. 6) I can wallow in self pity alone or I can choose to make major changes in learning how to have a positive two way relationship.       Your kids need to see your strength. Get the ball rolling in the right direction. Create healthy boundaries and clear rules for future communication. Stick to it. Your emotions are already squashed and stuffed down deep. You have to handle the business end of things before you can let the emotions out. Tough (action) love. 

      My friend reminded me of who I always was. She helped me find my courage and voice again.  

     She reminded me that I'd always wanted to be loved like Johnny loved Penelope. That I wanted to be loved like a Bruno Mars song. That there was a man who would walk up behind me and embrace my petite frame, kiss my neck and dance with me, the way I've always dreamed. She reminded me that he'd give me the belly laughter that I craved. She reminded me that the dream I've always had about love was not a fairy tale like the narcissist had convinced me of.  

      So today dear reader, I want to pass along this friendly reminder. I hope to be for you what she was to me; instrumental in getting the ball rolling in the right direction. Like she said to me many times, "baby steps".  

      Take your baby steps. You are worthy.  

Blessings 

Kelvie Jay