Who Am I

Each of us journey through life asking ourselves the ever daunting question; who am I? Some are fortunate enough to know their whole life. Others discover the answer through pain. For some, they never really quite figure it out. For me, the answer lies in a sea of life experiences.

A friend asked me a question yesterday, "Please tell me how are you really doing? Pretty please?" Simple enough question right? But no, not for me. Sheer panic rose up and gripped me by the throat. Heart racing, head spinning, thoughts whirring so fast I couldn't think. My answer was one of an abrasive façade designed to deter further probing. Giving a true heartfelt answer meant, being vulnerable and trusting. Not a place I want to be. Having lived through a life of abuse, starting in the womb, (how is that possible you say, that's another story) narcissistic family members and abusive and narcissistic relationships, trusting and vulnerability are not a place I want to find myself in.

I spent hours in silence, at a loss for words and visiting the pain of my life. Not because I wanted to walk down memory lane yesterday, but because someone asked me one question. One question that launched countless doors being opened. Doors that I spend everyday making sure the locks are secure and no windows are cracked. Doors that led to rooms that I spent locked inside and fought viciously to find reprieve from.

Finally, I responded with this: "I should come with instructions; some assembly required. Unfortunately my trust is under construction. My pain runs deep. If you could see my scars, I'd look like Frankenstein. Looking in the mirror the reflection that stares back says, how could anyone love or accept something so damaged. As much as I'd love to allow myself to be weak, vulnerable and trust, I'm afraid it may never been there again. I turn to my faith and imagine myself setting on the fathers lap, encompassed in his arms for comfort, for protection and a place my tears can flow. A place I can never be hurt or used again. Strong...locking out the world while standing at the gate to help every wounded soul because I know what they have been through. I know their pain. A soul misplaced in the wrong time and era. Long over due for the comfort of a man who would protect me and put me in his pocket. Who couldn't stand the thought of hurting me or make me cry. Who would make other women jealous of me and not me jealous of them. Strong. An understatement. But ever pressing forward. Strong. Holding onto hope. Strong. Still believing in the goodness of humanity in the midst of pain, suffering and evil. Strong. Constantly choosing to see the good regardless. Strong. Desiring to always fix the tiara of another over my own. Strong. Holding on even when there's nothing to hold on to. Strong because I've had to be not because I wanted to be. There's your glimpse into my strong." Who I am, is not just what I've been through but also who I choose to be after.

The truth is, no matter how much time has passed, how thick your scars have become, how much healing you've already been through, you will always have an event, a question, a flash back that takes you right back to a place you find yourself in fetal position over. Guess what dear reader, it's okay. It's okay that you find yourself there again. Each time you have to visit that awful place will be a different reaction, some in fetal position, some a little more victorious. But here's the secret, don't stay there. No matter how many times you say this will be my last visit, I can promise you it won't be. What matters is once the visit is over, get up shut the door and keep going. Because what I know is that "forgiveness is not a one time act and you're done, forgiveness is a daily act". Don't become a prisoner of your painful experiences, it is only then that you loose. Don't give that victory to the enemies of your life. Take what ever silence you need and then move forward. Move forward with a little trust a little vulnerability, a little courage and you are victorious one.